Relationships are best measured by farting…The stages of a relationship can be defined by farting. Stage one is the conspiracy of silence. This is a fantasy period where both parties pretend they have no bodily waste. This illusion is is very quickly shattered by that shy, ‘oh, did you fart?’ followed by that sheepish submission of truth. This heralds a period of deeper intimacy, a period I like to call “The Fart Honeymoon” where both parties find each other’s gas just the cutest thing in the world, but of course no honeymoon can last forever. And so we reach the critical fork in the fart: either the fart loses its power to amuse and embarras thereby signifying true love or else it begins to annoy and disgust.